(In the spirit of The Onion… Don’t take anything seriously, and make sure you follow the links.)
NORTH AMERICA – As is with the recent trend, some DotNetNuke® news was just broken on the popular mini-messaging site, twitter. Users of twitter were surprised to find out that the famed originator of the fastest growing online content management system (CMS), Shaun Walker, was let go for unknown reasons. The still young DotNetNuke® Corporation was not able to be reached for a comment. Using Bing Maps, we were able to determine that they are having a pool party in their home base in San Francisco, California in celebration of the new DNN Corp Team Members being announced. (None of the team members were invited.)
Sources close to the Walker family say that Shaun Walker was let go due to non-productivity in the workplace. Further investigation revealed that a well-known DNN-pimp, Chris Hammond has been stalking Walker for some time now, causing the disruption at work. Mr. Walker had been trying to write the last DNN newsletter, but disruptions caused by Hammond had forced him to ask fellow DNN Corporation member, Scott Willhite, to complete the founders statements.
Among the alleged disruptions caused by Hammond were: repeated instant messages, flowers at the office, Engage t-shirts, invites to St. Louis Day of .Net, and Facebook messages. Unconfirmed sources say that Chris had also attempted to pick up Walker in his race car. He was later pulled over due to a faulty starter. He evaded police by using a distraction police have yet to identify. Nearby witnesses say that the distraction was enabled by Hammond throwing a Macbook Pro at the officers and running away. They say that while throwing the projectile, Hammond yelled, “I admit it! I am a Mac!” This is a surprise to many, after Hammond had already professed to being a PC.
Authorities attempted to apprehend Hammond at his home in St. Louis, only to find that he packed up and left town. He is reported to be living somewhere near Denver, Colorado. Neighbors say that the Hammond family left in a hurry, and asked to borrow their Blackberry and Dell laptop.
The large and vocal DotNetNuke® community began to question the existence of Shaun in this tweet as a result of the newsletter not carrying his expected message:
The news was broken by the reported stalker, Chris Hammond, in this tweet:
Mr. Hammond replied in his tweet, knowing very well of the torment he had put his victim through. He was obviously still on the run, as you can see that the tweet was sent using MobileNow.
Shaun Walker has been reported to be doing just fine. Sources say that with a little therapy, and a restraining order, he and his family will be putting this behind them. Though, they are keeping the flowers, and the Cold Stone Creamery gift cards that Hammond gave Walker.
Authorities are still trying to find Hammond. A spokesman for the St. Louis police department has blamed the delays in finding Hammond on not having a productive website. He goes on to tell the media that they have not yet made their planned move to use DotNetNuke® Professional Edition. If you know of Chris Hammond’s whereabouts, please inform your local police. He is reported to be wearing the following disguise (apparently, even pimps like Chris are not doing well in this economy).